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JOKE FOR TODAY (JOKE)     

djalan - 29 Aug 2003 21:20

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jgp212 - 31 Aug 2003 12:47 - 2 of 410

Brilliant!!

LOL!

:-)

Jeff

jules99 - 31 Aug 2003 23:43 - 3 of 410

lol...

djalan - 01 Sep 2003 22:34 - 4 of 410

There were three construction guys high up on a building, working.
When lunch time rolled around the American named energyi opened his lunch box and said
"Oh no, Mc Donalds and sausage again, if the same thing is in here tomorrow I'm going to jump off this building"
The second man, Clerman said "oh no LOL sandwiches again, if mine is the same tomorrow I'm going to jump with you"
The third man, Ashley James from London said " oh man I have Jellied Eels again I may have to jump also!"

The next day sure enough they all had the same lunch, first the American Energyi jumped, then Clerman jumped, last was the chap from London, Ashley James and he jumped also.

All three wives were together at the funerals
Energyi's wife said,"If I had only known I would have fixed him something different"
Clerman's wife said, " I had other things I could have sent him"
Then Ashley's wife said, " Don't look at me, he fixes his own lunch!!!"

superrod - 01 Sep 2003 23:33 - 5 of 410

ROTFLMAO djalan


where IS ashley these days?

Douggie - 02 Sep 2003 10:49 - 6 of 410

enjoyed a good grin THANKS

jgp212 - 02 Sep 2003 17:09 - 7 of 410

enjoyed a good Gin as well

:-)

Jeff

djalan - 14 Oct 2003 21:42 - 8 of 410

download.php?id=424

djalan - 07 Feb 2004 10:54 - 9 of 410

Things to do while waiting for shares to increase in value
download.php?id=678

dscott62 - 07 Feb 2004 12:44 - 10 of 410

very nice joke.


David

Legins - 07 Feb 2004 12:46 - 11 of 410

I have been having a few software problems recently.....

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products, and the only solution was to run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
applications e.g. Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 3pm, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had lots of bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware. I then upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded to Wife 1.0.

While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2003. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can,without warning, launch TurboStrop and WhingeExcel. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring
ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation.

stockbunny - 09 Feb 2004 15:41 - 12 of 410

This is just too funny, had to post it here - sorry guys but it is!!!

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried
faces.
The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain
yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length
of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female
brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

This_is_me - 09 Feb 2004 15:56 - 13 of 410

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried
faces.
The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain
yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length
of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female
brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because so many women want theirs replaced by something that is capable of more than rabbiting on for hours about nothing!!!!

little woman - 09 Feb 2004 16:01 - 14 of 410

This is my favourite .......



HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL:

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom. Throw away soggy pill.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Drink one glass beer to take taste away. Apply plaster to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot. Drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw ripped tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the f***ing cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Fetch heavy duty gardening gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to Emergency Room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



HOW TO GIVE YOUR DOG A PILL:

1) Wrap it in bacon.



stockbunny - 09 Feb 2004 16:20 - 15 of 410

See just goes to prove give a man a simple job like giving a cat
a pill and all chaos breaks out! lol
(This-Is-Me...you know this means war...and stop eating my food!!)
For those who don't understand that last remark, take 10 minutes
off and visit the tea-rooms.

washlander - 10 Feb 2004 09:19 - 16 of 410

Two sharks swimming around in the Irish sea, when one turns to the other and says "I am fed up with eating mackeral". The other shark replies "In that case lets headover to Morecombe Bay for a chinese."

SEADOG - 10 Feb 2004 09:39 - 17 of 410

Ten out of ten washlander thats the up to date one.

FirstCall - 10 Feb 2004 18:58 - 18 of 410

GW BUSH STAMPS

After one year of the war of liberation of Iraq President George Bush wanted a special Iraqi postage stamp issued, with his head pictured on it. He so instructed the director of United States Postal Service, stressing that postage stamp should be of international quality.

The stamps were duly released. But Bush began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious. He called the Paul Bremer and ordered him to investigate the matter.

Paul Bremer checked the matter out at several post offices in Iraq and then reported on the problem to Bush. He said: "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, Iraqi citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"

FirstCall - 10 Feb 2004 19:06 - 19 of 410

Here's anothe Bush Joke:

President George Bush is visiting an elementary school and he enters one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says,
"If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that
would be a TRAGEDY?"


"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

stockbunny - 01 Mar 2004 15:25 - 20 of 410

WHO'S IN CHARGE? BODY MEETING
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?

The a**hole is usually in charge.




superrod - 22 Apr 2004 22:20 - 21 of 410

that would be the wife then? LOL
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